I've been writing fiction in various genres for over 15 years under multiple pen names.
This fiction critique and edit is for developmental or story editing - NOT proofreading for grammar and spelling. (However, I will correct these where I see them.) My critiques are honest, kind, and hopefully helpful!
Each critique/edit includes overall impressions of the plot and characters, detailed comments about making your writing stronger, story flow, pacing, mood, believability, continuity, and suggestions about standard writing practices like show vs. tell, point of view, realistic dialog, and effective descriptions.
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I keep every client's work strictly confidential. This makes it harder to share examples with you!
Below are examples of comments (altered slightly to maintain privacy) I have made on an adventure novel I did a developmental edit in the past. Interspersed with these are sentence structure corrections, compliments on great phrases, questions about confusing passages, and more.
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Watch out for forms of “to be” like “was” and “were.” You’re writing in past tense here. Don’t say “He was talking” or “He was running.” Just say “He talked” and “He ran.”
Check for using modifiers instead of just showing the action. Instead of “, She noticed he looked scared.” just say “He looked scared.” Or better yet… “He bit his lip and glanced about with wide eyes.” or something descriptive like that. (This is the classic show vs. tell technique.) Use senses to help the reader experience the scene.
The story is exciting. It’s intriguing and action-packed so far. It promises even more now to be a really intense thriller. I want to know what Frankie does with the camera and how it ties into the doctor's work on the new experiments and the first chapter’s mysterious illness. One thing that concerns me a bit: lots of people you give “air time” to are dying quickly. I hope they somehow come into the story again… not as ghosts or whatever J… but their work or some clue they left behind. As it stands right now, I wonder if they are worthy of their own chapters before they die. I definitely want to know more, which is exactly what you want to give your readers.
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((One thing I noticed especially here is that almost every verb has an adverb modifying it. It’s something you should watch a bit throughout. Some writers say “kill all adverbs!” but you don’t have to get that extreme. You should, however, use stronger verbs instead of adverbs where you can. Example – the man can just grimace, not slightly. Instead of “breathing deeply” how about “He gulped a deep lungful of air” or “He took several deep breaths.” And instead of “lightly touched the hilt” perhaps he ran his fingers over it… or even caressed it, as if he takes supreme pleasure in his work. Keep it active and precise.))
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((Awesome. This scene is short and to the point and creates more mystery. You use really good imagery here and create a definite sense of urgency. I don’t know if he’s good or bad or what’s so important, but I know something is, and it makes me want to know more. Great scene.))
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((There are ‘many people’ on the sidewalk here, but this man gets grazed by a bullet and it goes… where? Either the bullet hit someone else, or it ricocheted off the ground or something, which would have made some noise. Also, even with a silencer, guns make noise. The scene doesn't work for me. Find some way of making it silent or hidden or remove the people nearby.))
